Tales From The Punchbowl

Professor Nutbutter's House of Treats
C'mon kiddies gather round.
Who's your foremost friend in town?
From main to maple the name resounds,
Professor Nutbutter.
He's the one, the humble one,
the Barkley County prodigal son.
Here to serve only you,
Professor Nutbutter.
At old Nutbutter's house of treats
from jellied jams to sacks of sweets,
There's creamy and nutritious spreads for all.
Chemist, master of entomology
the professor for a modest fee
Will cure what ails you,
guaranteed Professor Nutbutter.
It's alright, don't fear the worm.
C'mon kiddies don't be shy
be youthful til the day you die.
The man the myth,
the magic of Professor Nutbutter.
He's the one the only one
the Meeklybville prodigal son.
Here to help us with ourselves,
Professor Nutbutter
It's alright to fear the worm.
It's all right to fear the worm.
The worm, the worm is our friend

Mrs. Blaileen
Mrs. Blaileen - she was a sixth grade teacher
And she controlled the children
By using humiliation.
The target always seemed to be Donny.
He was a bit slower than the others.
When he was quite young
His mother died at the kitchen table
While choking on some food.
The fashion of the day
Was bleach and tied Levi's.
Donny decided to make some,
But he didn't know to rinse them.
So he came to school a reekin'.
Bleach stenched filled the classroom.
Mrs. Blaileen began to chastise.
She made him feel like an asshole
two feet small.
Oh what a lonely boy.
Don and Ronald
They always stuck together
For they were a bit different than the others
And they were as tight as brothers
Then Ronald moved away.
Now Steven
He was year or two younger
And he really thought he was something.
He liked to harass other children
Or anyone he found outnumbered.
Alone Don walks from fishing.
Steven and his friend they stop him.
They took his hat and they taunt him,
Pimp-slap him with a newspaper.
Don lunged forward with his fish knife
Then ran all the way home weeping.
He gave his knife to his father and
Said "I think I hurt Steve."
Oh what a lonely boy.

Wynona's Big Brown Beaver
Wynona's got herself a big brown beaver
and she shows it off to all her friends.
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her,
So she caged him up with cyclone fence.
Along came Lou with the old baboon
And said "Recognize that smell?"
"Smells like seven layers,
That beaver eats Taco Bell."
Now Rex he was a Texan out of New Orleans
And he travelled with the carnival shows.
He ran bumper cars, sucked cheap cigars
And he candied up his nose.
He got wind of the big brown beaver
So he though he'd take himself a peek,
But the beaver was quick
And grabbed him by the kiwis.
Now he ain't pissed for a week.
(And a half!)
Now Wynona took her big brown beaver,
And she stuck him up in the air.
Said "I sure do love this big brown beaver
And I wish I did have a pair."
Now the beaver onces slept for seven days
And it gave us all an awful fright.
So I tickled his chin and I gave him a pinch
And the bastard tried to bite me.
Wynona loved her big brown beaver
And she stroked him all the time.
She pricked her finger one day and it
Occurred to her she might have a porcupine.

Southbound Pachyderm
Quite a suprise
What an ingenious device
Boredom encompasses my time
I don't know what I should do
Indulging a moment of your time
Seldom the breeder of lies
But you won't believe that it's true
They take to the sky

Southbound Pachyderm

Pinholes through cardboard
At the Sun
Passing the bucks by one by one
Leaving nothing in return

Watching the majest blow past
Speculating which will be the last
Savoring my piece of pie

And there is no reprise
They're filling the sky
Southbound Pachyderm

Year of the Parrot
In the year of our Lord
Call it 1994
A fine vintage of mimicry

There are those that take their sound
From someone else's Toil
Liking to parrots you see

I've seen the likes of Kate Bush
And Van Morrison
Teaching the parrots to sing

Take a Zepplin riff
And you alter it a bit
And make lots of money
It's called plagiarism

You want some of that cheese
Just take a big ol' bite
Careful not to choke on it please

Now here we go
It's called plagiarism

Hellbound 17 1/2
Questions deserving answers
Answers deserving action
What am I of the populi
I am but a fraction

Is there heaven? Is there Hell?
Is that tuna melt I smell?

Come on

Glass Sandwich
He stood in line with the rest
And waited got his chance
To take his place behind the glass
And watch the ladies dance

It's the nature of things

He stepped into the darkened space
The air was thick and warm
He drops the coins in one by one
The scene unfolds before him

He stands looking eye to thigh
As she looks down from above
Only to be recognized
As his former love

It's the nature of things

Del Davis Tree Farm
Del Davis sold a Christmas tree
Stood up to 8 feet tall
Season was lookin' mighty thin
He'd hoped to sell 'em all
Here he comes with a dollar in his hand
Represents the epitomized man

The boy liked rock 'n' roll
Seemed that's the way he paid his way
With the help of Del and them "Doogs"
There's a bit more joy this holiday

Here he comes...

De Anza Jig
Oh I can still remember
Jenny Hernando
She was my little lovely one
When I was seventeen.
I remember the day that she
Gave me her viriginity
And then she gave it to everyone
In our vicinity.

Oh I can still remember
Julie Tolentino
The dancing Filipino
We used to run around.
Her and Flouncin' Freddy
Were going hot and steady.
Now she runs a dyke bar,
The biggest one in town.

I can still remember my
Old friend Todd Squelati
I watching him snort a
Milkshake right up his nose.
He slurped it up the left side.
Blew it out the right side.
How he ever kept it down,
I will never know.

Of course I still remember
Ol Flouncin' Freddy
We were pumping gas
Down at El Sobrante Shell
His Mustang was his pride n' joy
He liked to dance the cowboy,
Hanging out at Jack In the Box
But eat at Taco Bell.

On The Tweek Again
Used to come around here
To peddle his wares
A lot more takers now

The turkey "J"
You can taste the air
Around your face

His name was Barrest Jeffries
They picked him up twice
For cooking up amphetamine

Now he's on the tweek again
Drinking county prune
He doesn't mind so much

So we'd sit around the fire
Singing "Kumbaya"
"Kumbaya" I said

Over the Electric Grapevine
They headed southward from San Francisco,
To be with Chuckles and the others.
With electric in the air and peroxide in their hair,
They looked like golden brothers.
They drove a Datsun, an automatic,
The radio blaring static,
He made a face into the light
and burst out laughing at the sight.
The hysteria ensuing would dominate the night.
From all the candy, the seats were sticky,
As they were drawn into the grapevine.
Then "Introduce Yourself" came on
as they barreled through the gog.
The demon puffing madly on a mentholated log.
They were tired, they were sleepy,
So they parked behind the Roxy.
Adam left to use the phone, so he sat there all alone,
When Adam's voice come beaming through on the radio,
He started laughing...